Transcript of Episode 96 - Sandra Marie Podcast Abuse Brainwash
Click to read the episode transcription below.
This transcription was generated using YouTube's voice to text captioning method. Hopefully, Speech-To-Text technology will become more accurate in the future.
If you landed here randomly, have a look around. Thanks for the visit.
00:00:04| have you ever been curious about an old told untold story of a relative maybe something happened in the past that they never spoke about maybe you want to touch on abuse or being exiled or being
00:00:17| afraid or unsure you finding yourself we're going to touch on a story just like that come join us so I'm Dan and I'm Nick books for old friends dissecting one topic at a time
00:00:35| people technology media we've got it all covered each discussion here deep dive into our unique perspective taboo forbidden subjects they're all on the chopping block baby we don't pander to
00:00:49| popular opinion look like you can get a little bit dirty morning this podcast may contain mature language and sexual content and is for entertainment purposes only so join us
00:01:01| have a good time open up your earholes we're gonna fondle your follicles [Music] all right we're here with a special guest Steve everyone how's it going yeah
00:01:27| I'm Dan and I'm Steven guest episodes are actually my favorite oh cool sure haters gonna hate this is my first time being a guest on an episode so thank you for fantastic job
00:01:43| man I hope he doesn't I hope he doesn't ruin it now folks I think I'll be good I think okay all right so let's tell a room where Stevens from Steven has is empower you did right yeah
00:01:55| nine episodes yeah it's right this yeah it's just a nine Episode series the story of Sandra Marie we just wrapped up not too long ago it's pretty sweet now because we want people to check it out
00:02:08| themselves we won't just rehash the whole story people check it out we recommend it it's super good but it's essentially about your mother right uh-huh yeah Sandra
00:02:17| Marie that's her first and middle name yeah so it's about her life story and everything that she went through essentially growing up as a lesbian girl and then being lured into the Mormon
00:02:30| religion to eventually go through conversion therapy and getting into an abusive marriage and how she escaped the abusive marriage yeah so essentially a pretty pretty pretty heavy story yeah
00:02:43| it's some really heavy superhead stuff but that's that's totally cool because I'm not usually always a fan of that and I listen to it and it's actually it's a good read but unless you listen yeah
00:02:52| yeah a good listening there's catching up to these chunks - yeah like that it was 25 ish minute segments it kept it you know fresh like cuz I couldn't be like an hour and eight minutes like come
00:03:04| on I got up I'm driving to work but like those segments it was nice it was well not nice you know cuz it was a heavy material and yeah serious stuff but it was good it was manageable I'm like well
00:03:15| done thank you the editing in the beginning is it was kind of impressive like you brought all the sound clips together and it sounded smooth and clean and I think that's what caused yeah and
00:03:25| there was a commercial from the 50s about how homosexuality is and and then the rest of the voices in there all Mormon apostles is that a real commercial yeah it was a real commercial
00:03:37| I can't can't remember where to have it from but yeah I've seen that before I thought it was like a me more like a joke or something no it actually wasn't it was like a propaganda film and the
00:03:46| whole film is all about it and there's this boy Billy that kids like we're building yeah he's he gets uh you know attacked by a homosexual man so I have seen this now because I thought it was a
00:04:01| joke hey I feel like this is done the same way that don't listen to jazz music and smoke a marijuana cigarette oh yeah is that reefer madness yes it is kind of
00:04:14| it's sort of done like I don't I don't think it's a joke it's a it's a legitimate but reefer madness is a joke yeah I think reefer well I don't know I don't know it's got a fifties were crazy
00:04:26| time yeah and I mean and I was stoned when I watched reefer madness on the comedy just writes itself yeah so I just want to touch on the heavy this because I feel like yeah we
00:04:39| niggas worried he's easily hardened well I'm not worried I just I wanted to get it out in the open because I feel like if we're having a good time we're all laughing never liked anyway conversion
00:04:49| therapy it's time mm-hmm but when it's it's a hard thing I get I see you're saying because it could be hard to do maybe joke or be like light-hearted around heavy topics you don't want to
00:05:01| give off the wrong right I don't like we're laughing at it yeah I do I do want to touch on it like that stuff we're easy they tried it is crazy physiologically who you were
00:05:11| psychologically who you are by shocking you said I think in the story you said it like they they made your mom like try to masturbate to men like they gave her like making pictures of man or something
00:05:24| yes naked pictures of men with erections with erections I didn't know today and I even made a note of it Wow what if it was like flaccid like no this man has to be better actually
00:05:37| oh yeah and for her that was the first time she had seen a penis you know so and that was completely against the religion - right oh yeah I mean pornography is one of the worst
00:05:47| worse things you could do in the religion so and masturbation definitely is so in its religion though didn't you get in trouble for like bringing a coffee can somewhere because you weren't
00:05:57| allowed to drink coffee something off we're we're saying hey no kissing before marriage with light pecking don't drink coffee don't look at your neighbor don't utter
00:06:09| any bad words but also we're gonna cure you here's some pornography I got a guy with a raging erection yes it's pretty crazy for me I'm just wondering about the guy who went and collected the porno
00:06:22| you know like where did he get it from is there an approval process like he was like looking at like eight pictures I was like no no I'm not sure Wallace was spinning a giant porno everywhere yeah
00:06:35| it's a bunch of conversion therapy guys so you know they're probably gay and so they're like yeah we could kind of picture seven penis you know what is that I don't even know there's probably
00:06:43| there was a committee like it wasn't handed down from the Pope or like the what's the the Pope version is there like a the Pope version of is the Prophet is what it's called problem so
00:06:54| there's a bishop like yeah he's like the head Bishop he's like the Pope and he's the prophet of the church and then there's Twelve Apostles under him oh well I mean yeah we're like a cool and
00:07:07| like a skull and bones okay yeah yeah and it's I mean and they're all I mean you I think a prerequisite is you have to be like 99 to be one of the Twelve Apostles or something cuz they're all
00:07:17| just about that which is I think a lot of people probably credit that for the intolerance or the the things they don't like about the religion or the leaders are just super old you know they were
00:07:29| around when they're supposed to hit your wife you know I mean they were they were they were young before the civil rights movement even happened you know I mean yeah they're not supposed to yes 99
00:07:44| you're not doing you're pretty controllable you're not doing a lot of change I mean yeah you've already made it that far and that was something that we we struggled with
00:07:53| a lot with the podcast because we didn't want it to be like a talking talking a bunch of ass on the Mormon religion you know and coming down on it by any means no are you practicing you like it you
00:08:06| seem like you're but you're still yeah not right not at all yeah I'm still in Utah no I haven't been practicing for many years for well you were raised Mormon no like I was raised madman yeah
00:08:17| like church I was fairly active you know but I would I would slough the Mormon Church because they have like three meetings so I would go to the meeting that I was in with my parents and then
00:08:30| the other meetings I would sneak home consequently my father or mr. smiles from the podcast would also sneak home and he would watch klog Rafi during the middle meetings of everybody here and I
00:08:46| just sit in them mm-hmm and it was back in the the 90s were satellite dishes you know so the TV signal would come through all of the television it's in the house scrambled and frozen on the porn out and
00:08:58| then you'd be like hey yeah you know so so whatever's one person is watching the whole all the other TVs that are hooked into the little coaxial cable there they see the same thing so I would you know
00:09:11| record that stuff and in junior high became a photography salesman oh nice really yeah I mean this was before the internet and that's right around yeah so I mean I made some pretty good money off
00:09:23| of that that's wild can I ask you what you would charge like are you making a VCR copy of this yeah VCR copy and I would just let it run whenever I knew he was watching it
00:09:33| eventually I found the password to the you do their channels yeah and then I just recorded it myself could you get over a pop one like a video and do like yes yeah slide that across the table
00:09:46| it's in a book bag you're like huh yeah and when one of the kids was dumb enough to leave it in his VCR and you know then my daddy couldn't really say anything to me about it you know shit I'll punish my
00:10:00| son but I never got in trouble oh yeah kind of kind of strange but you know we were going there yeah yeah I don't I don't know how we got there the porn salesman so there you go I've moved
00:10:21| on out of the porn industry that was a that's fine yeah there's just a few who have a thing for ministry in Utah no no it's not very big in Utah you know either into some
00:10:30| really weird stuff is it weird that like California is the center of the porn world and that's like really how close is it to California it's like a 12-hour Drive after twat you got Nevada in
00:10:42| between so yeah Vegas and then and then LA oh you're that it's near Vegas kinda I mean it's kind of inside of the these mountains it's sort of encased in these mountains kind of like on certain areas
00:10:55| of Colorado are so you feel like you're in a fishbowl a lot of times and you are kind of protected from the rest of the world which is probably what founders of the place like so much about it or so
00:11:08| that maybe that was the origin of recording for you was your passion for recording things yes we do notice all the nice gear around you yeah you know I had to set it up so I could show off my
00:11:21| speaks and you know my blue Yeti microphone you know he's being modest they're called monitors when they're that expensive okay cuz yeah yeah EQ balance issues these wrong or EQ
00:11:34| distributors there yes co act they don't have coax excuse me I got that from you I guess if XLR cables okay you know these bad boys in like they're legit these guys are balanced they got you
00:11:47| know they're active they have crossovers built into them I do now every time you turn on the computer yeah they do and I kind of this is me uh God's money for these speakers you know
00:12:00| yeah and I'm like a Windows restart I'm like did you and oh my god damage and turn them off but I don't think yeah I mean I have like this little headphone monitor thing and that's supposed to be
00:12:11| nice too and that you know it could I can a be between the two monitors yeah don't get me going on gear we'll just talk the whole time about gear then your gear so I'm an electrical engineer so
00:12:25| I'm I've done a little bit with like fiddling with signals and stuff but um I go on the cheap I try to do things myself buy the cheapest thing I like test it out just good variety do you
00:12:39| ever get in there and like operate on it and like turn to make your own little modifications and solder pull out the soldering iron and stuff yeah that was my job for like 10 years - like repairs
00:12:49| not ironed jobs have you done I bet you this guys don't like - I did a soldering iron job last week actually tapping into the communications on a circuit board you know what were you doing were you
00:13:00| soldering it re soldering or you just unsoldering something or are you just connecting some come on give me soldering cables into it's called a SPI port which has like four different wires
00:13:09| to it this comes it's pretty good mm-hmm that's cool yeah I mean that's just--that's in the same field as like you know recording engineers they're basically electricians yeah so so is
00:13:22| this you you did mention oh is this the first like this isn't the first podcast that you've recorded right you've done multiple other audio recordings yeah so actually I'm only no I only would have
00:13:35| done one podcast before this it was a podcast with my brother called a hundred frickin films and we just did 100 freaking films yeah we watched interviewed 100 freakin movie you got to
00:13:54| know we almost lost the movie we didn't watch rubber Oh what is that a new movie a new one that's been out because honey I don't know how recent but Nick and I really do we got
00:14:08| copyright it's about a tire that comes to life and is very vengeful and he tries to kill the town Howard exploding with its mind oh wow I think if some pictures of this I saw some yeah I saw
00:14:20| some promotional material of this tire going around I thought that was a joke that was it very well done yeah so you guys got hit for that we figured it was fair rights like let's Josh on it let's
00:14:37| tell jokes let's talk about B wouldn't how many hours was it up for like a oh yeah who's got like flagged and shut down for copy in our lack of defense we did have the video and the audio stream
00:14:49| in our own stream so it was like it was like 640 who's gonna watch I did Fleur it and add like a watermark and then we tried to talk very much commentary over top of it who wants to fight off but
00:15:08| anyway we didn't notice um with all this recording software all this previous experience like what will we do with a record some music yeah so yeah I've been an audio guy for many years now going
00:15:25| back into if he wanted to relate it to the Sandra Murray story since in that timeline kind of I actually went and lived with her in Los Angeles when I was living in LA now so you got to go work
00:15:40| in the industry somewhere so I just went and interned at a recording studio and kind of just that blew up my mind and I just got my start there as an intern and then eventually a runner getting people
00:15:53| there their 2:00 in the morning Taco Bell and then eventually an assistant when she learned what uh anyone anyone big we'd recognized legs you know it was more of the record labels the biggest
00:16:04| one was that I actually got to meet the artist was Jimmy Eat World I'm Jim Atkins yeah he was a super nice guy the it was a mixing studio so there was a lot of famous artists stuff that
00:16:16| came in to the studio but the artists didn't bother showing up usually right so a lot of a lot of really famous engineers and producers that that most
00:16:25| people wouldn't recognize their names you know the sound guy always gets a shaft rhyme make sense yeah so I recorded bands for many years and did a lot of live sound and stuff too and just
00:16:41| recently started thinking about the idea of getting involved in podcast because I realized I holy shit this is like everything I did I could totally do all this it's just manipulating audio you
00:16:52| know so it's it's been really fun you know and then there's this local network podcast network age 13 that's just a few of us right now that we're trying to get off the ground and so in addition to
00:17:05| Sandra Marie I did and then through my brother and some other people I know we did hundred freaking films and then now we're on to trying to get a couple more shows I agree yeah the the stories from
00:17:18| the red chair what's that kind of a you know is this a preview or yeah according to wind and releases this episode yeah yeah well it's um it's it's more in in development to see if we
00:17:31| really collected enough stories which is just stories from people who have been through like unbearably trying circumstances and sort of tell their stories of survival their stories of
00:17:43| like like how do you find hope and how do you find a way to move on and keep living when you've been through so much crap you know and so there was that the illusion of here
00:17:55| sorry it was at the origin of like your mom's story like how did you get that original idea to sit down with your mom and go through it some horrifying stories from her past
00:18:04| well she's been since I've kind of been I also went to film school and stuff so she's been wanting to make a movie about her story specifically the conversion therapy part of it for a long time and
00:18:16| she's also written a book a few drafts of the book that she's continuing to work on and she's gearing towards the conversion therapy part of the book and so she's always we've always talked
00:18:27| about collaborating on something and then my it was actually my wife's idea we were just laying in bed and I was talking telling her stories about my mom and my dad and she's like
00:18:35| there's the first effort I'm glad we're opiate yeah and yeah this is this episode my never air this is not our material ah I'm sorry I was your guest you know he didn't know I'm sure he put
00:18:51| it deep in her but she said you know you should really do a podcast about your mom and I'm like and then I just got talked to sucks to h13 guys and then talked to my mom about it and see I
00:19:03| thought if she came up and took a bus up here actually from Idaho and we chatted for two days and that's the whole podcast was just two days of us talking so I gathered that from the whole thing
00:19:13| and I even gathered that she was writing a book because she wanted to read the one part in like the later parts and all right it was very well written very eloquent did she wish you like an
00:19:22| English major no idea she wasn't English maybe she took a couple classes in LA or something poetic and like well-written about that whole thing I was totally rest of her boom is
00:19:35| probably also well written yeah it's a lot like that and it's it's pretty it's I think that's why she was able to speak it so clearly she's just been waiting to tell the story for a long time I'm not
00:19:47| sure she spoke it very clearly and what's weird though so go through how this whole happened you know the story ahead of time did you know like what percentage of her talking were you able
00:20:00| to predict easily you're like I know 90% of I know 50% were you like holy shit I didn't know 40% of this yeah well most of the stuff before me I had no idea before I was born
00:20:10| okay so her early life I really didn't know and I really so it was headlined right yeah I'm like I'm not that good of a son you know and in doing so we've had a lot that a surprising amount of people
00:20:20| have contacted us about this show you know and they've been touched by it and stuff and a lot of people have said that like had this made them realize they don't know their own parents or
00:20:30| something yeah yeah but there's a layer to it yeah just one of the stories you're thinking about your own connection to your own parents and then like you're like I can sense your
00:20:39| reaction but then you withhold it so I'm always like kind of curious what you're thinking as she's telling you the story and as a occasional tears that she cried like what am i doing you know and there
00:20:51| was a lot of editing that went so there was a lot of funny moment but perhaps I should have left in there for that reason like where after she gets done crying we break up and laughter for a
00:21:00| while you know and that would have been cute but I don't know we were working with this musician as well and so it was just this thing you know kind of thing yeah just kind of a an edit just an
00:21:13| editing thing you know a bunch of editing to it huh so the other thing I wanted is so she comes in it wasn't in anyone's houses in the studio so she had to come into the studio and record these
00:21:24| blocks like a two-hour block one day or a three-hour block one day a three-hour block the next day that was yeah it was like three hours and then a break and then a lunch and then another couple
00:21:35| hours and then the same thing the next day next so I think all in all we had like eight eight or nine hours of raw material that we had to go through and splice and that's a lot and what's crazy
00:21:48| is I imagine you gave her the instructions and everything else but it's like she was talking to you but not talking to you like she was comfortable enough to say all the things she had to
00:21:58| say like she knew what she was gonna say it was very well not planned whoa that script should go over this in her head a bunch of time yeah it seemed like it was very fluid it's like even to do it in
00:22:09| two days is kind of amazing to have those fluid of stories and to be it like all tied together in a nice good continuity to it build up like this is a long time coming music yeah something
00:22:19| that she's just been wanting to tell for a long time and then she also brought the most recent draft of her book and then the night before I stayed I didn't even sleep I just stayed up in read her
00:22:29| whole book and made notes and so as we were talking I was like hey let's you know the only real direction we had is let's just try to go chronologically through this and then write that makes
00:22:39| total sense and then her recordings just sort of built the whole podcast just based off of how she her recording was which is pretty cool for anyone listening right
00:22:47| now that hasn't listened just check it out I mean otherwise this whole episode seems weird yeah it's hold yeah I guess so what are they even talking about yeah
00:23:00| sounds good I don't know yeah you could just say you could just type in story of Sandra into podcast and it will pop up or you could check it out table Google for a story Sandra I don't know about
00:23:09| Google yeah I think so and I think actually if you in iTunes if you put story of or or something that just one of those a pops I'm still yes you got the story of s yeah that's good yeah
00:23:22| story of assets on there and we actually run that you were they just recently - which was crazy number for slot after Sandra bland Sandra bland oh man I gotta listen to her she died in a County Jail
00:23:40| in Waller Texas I think she was beaten and she might have been right man Jesus yeah so that's Sanders story so real quick the touch on your father mr. smiley yes yeah he passed which was part
00:24:00| of the motivation for all this - right I caught men but I didn't know I wanted to make sure before I always said anything so how did he pass he died of oh yeah I never talked about that he died of
00:24:12| pancreatic cancer so he yeah he I mean he went down it was crazy that's a that's a pretty bad one quick I didn't I yeah I hadn't known anything bad I think it's like second the second worst cancer
00:24:25| to leukemia dammit dude my co-workers just got diagnosed like three months ago with it mmm fine I said it to him cuz I didn't research it yeah it's pretty bad now I mean there
00:24:37| are the survival rates it's just right huh then especially if you're young and everything and you're not a hateful and maniac you could probably you could probably believe it a little longer yeah
00:24:50| so here's my only question and I knew this is gonna come out I knew okay cool dude and I know I like the story like I feel like it was a railroad job on Neil this is smiling yeah and I don't
00:25:05| think that's wrong but it from the story perspective right like anybody railroad in this right up your behind yeah I'm glad you pick up on that because it kind of was
00:25:16| that you're not yeah and I imagine it's hurting from the stories um but it comes off as like very like like almost one side obviously ear is yeah it's one sided you mentioned any this is a Sandra
00:25:34| no one else so it's so uh precursor it you kind of you mentioned that like there's a more details here and there but ultimately this guy is the douche the king yeah she's the protagonist and
00:25:46| he's the aunt right he's the villain and I really did I wanted to villainize him a lot and but the thing that where I'm you know I'm glad you brought that up is because his in in retrospect I wish I
00:26:00| would have made his character a little more colorful and a little more in depth because he wasn't just a complete psychopath like he like he's portrayed he was actually a very nice image
00:26:11| sometime sitting down he seemed yeah he absolutely is with like when he hit your mom and like how he hit her and then like also seemed like you guys weren't really aware of it until things got
00:26:21| really bad and then you were completely aware of it and you uh just right kinda know I was I'm the middle child middle child okay mmm twins were they both yeah the twins came before and then me and
00:26:34| that my younger sister yeah so it's interesting it's it's really weird with abusive situations we just we were we were all aware of it I think that my mom would have like think that
00:26:47| we were and she tried to shield us from but we knew it was going on did other people when you're like immediate family no or they it seemed like her own parents didn't weren't aware of it
00:26:58| nobody knew and that's that's the thing that you know I actually interviewed my sister recently I was thinking about adding adding the oldest one the wonderful twin about thinking about
00:27:10| adding an episode with her because she talks about what she thought was left out from the podcast and it's his how charming he was he was this very charming man and you just wouldn't even
00:27:21| know it if and I think that's why I felt so compelled to tell his story because not that I'm trying to like out him to people who knew him but it's just you could have perfect but he's like the
00:27:33| color of what your your father was you know you could yeah you're just different takes yeah we could easily be he could be his own series for sure and I mean he is it's insane I mean the
00:27:45| stuff his life and everything yeah many lifes in his life and he achieved all sorts of different really great successes and he you know went very far in a lot of ways but he was so charming
00:27:58| that anytime we tried to tell anybody about it even though when we would get people just miss Elise involved yeah he would the police would I end up getting mad at us thinking of my urges
00:28:09| misbehaving teenagers you have specific stories on that well let's see I have a I went I was at my friend's house playing in a band with my friend and he called me up and again back in the time
00:28:24| before cell phones where one phone is connected to my same line region yeah so somebody else can pick up on another phone in the house and hear who's on the phone
00:28:33| you know what I mean yeah yeah yeah so my buddy was on the phone and he was hearing this this stuff my dad was saying to me and you just like you told me he was gonna kill me you know he's
00:28:46| just getting into I mean verbal abuse you know just really nasty verbal abuse and so my my buddy was just so you know I wasn't I was like yeah this was my dad but he's like you have to call the cops
00:28:58| he threatened to kill you man I'm like a so we called the cops and the cops got there and I had to go home with my dad and I was reprimanded by the cop because I was just I was just a rebellious
00:29:10| teenager who went in my personal you didn't even call the cops your friend was like hey we should do this they're like yeah we don't have a lot of situations like that and then there were
00:29:20| situations as social workers coming to school and my older siblings would be afraid to say so we never had our story straight was trying to either protect both parents or one parent or one parent
00:29:36| yeah and that's I think that's what happens it's weird that happens so commonly and when I've looked into other people's stories - it's just for some reason when you are
00:29:47| abused you want to protect your abuser you guys are saying the home stock the stock control Michigan it's kind of like that I mean I know it's not but it's like that same brain mechanism and go
00:30:07| through it's almost like you shelter yourself in this bubble of what you believe reality is and then it takes like someone from outside the bubble to just like slowly crack away what actual
00:30:17| life is like mm-hmm yeah and it's just about it I mean your whole life is one thing someone's telling you it shit it's shit I mean you get used to shit you used to telling
00:30:28| you're not shit and then someone's like hey there's others like bathroom you're like whoa I'm just want to go out here so it's like no no this person's bad you're like I'm gonna pull you out
00:30:37| you're like oh I don't want to just get pulled out into the other shit it really means like uh-huh your idea of life is that there's shit out there and there's shit here there's
00:30:46| shit there it's shitty everywhere why would I go out there I'm just gonna restart my shitty mmm what's the thought process I would imagine what someone with home stock syndrome yeah with the
00:30:58| holy stocks and drink and and I just think it's all so yeah you just get especially if you're raised in it I think that's why the cycle of abuse they call it just goes on from one generation
00:31:08| to another and that's a something else you know in my story with the abuses that I just hated this man you know I just with a vengeance and I would write like I'll never be like him I'll never
00:31:19| be like him and then as I grew and got into relationships and things I found myself verbally abusing my girlfriends and I'm like off you know I just became what I hated you know and that was a
00:31:31| really hard thing to ask you not to get you don't forget to detail but like what do you mean like you be yelling at him like why are you doing this yeah well I mean that's the thing I wish I I wish
00:31:43| you know a word but like what just kind of like really demeaning you try I would go for ethic cut uh cutting but I would go for the things that I knew would hurt them them
00:31:59| so things that in intimate relationships you only share with your intimate partner that you get into with them you know you know it turn things around on them and make it seem like it like
00:32:10| they're doing something wrong or that they're responsible for my anger or our abilities yeah their vulnerabilities keeping them vulnerable in a way that I can like control them somehow yes and it
00:32:23| was it was just crazy to see how that naturally came up out of me yeah and then it brought up all these ideas of nature versus nurture you know like how about Josh Marsh oh yeah mmm that's I
00:32:38| like how deep you guys get within your banter yeah intelligent conversations you know but yeah it's just what comes first and I think it's a mix of both probably about so that's still still
00:32:50| this day I have to keep it in check and you know I have to take responsibility for the asshole that I am you know because you know mr. smiles is dead now Neil's dead now you know eventually my
00:33:02| mom will be dead then it's like Who am I gonna blame you can't blame it on your parents and you regardless of what my childhood now I am the way I am so entering into new relationships I can
00:33:14| tell people I don't have this anger problem sometimes and when it happens this is what I need you to do and it's almost like having another person in your relationship and if they're not
00:33:25| okay with me being that way then we're not gonna be together you know it's kind of it's wild and that's mature that's that's weirdly mature mmm like like I can know I have an anger problem but
00:33:38| it's harder for me to tell someone I have an anger problem and tell them what I'm doing psychologically by the way I had a rough this by the way I might do this yeah and you react this way and
00:33:51| then let me know how you react with this that's an open thing I mean for your sake that's really good yeah I mean like that's like being super open and I think yeah I think that's the only way or I
00:34:02| think that's the only way to recovering from it or being you just have to be an open book about it you have to be a really open-minded and honest and I think that's what
00:34:12| helped me with my path compared to my siblings as I went the drug route and I started experimenting with drugs at a very young age I get you out of your mind you know I think it's out right oh
00:34:25| yeah so yeah just the heavy drug we don't got to get crazy I yeah oh yeah we're like like smoke a little doobies oh yeah yeah well it started with the alcohol and then and then man when I
00:34:37| found out I literally was but for a teenager for a teenager alcohol is different you know what I mean yes right yeah and I remember but meeting marijuana for the first time was just
00:34:50| and I could dissociate from reality then all of a sudden my environment didn't have to be abusive it didn't have to be bad I could put Christmas lights up in my room and just be stoned and get in
00:35:01| the music and that's I think where a lot of we are today when I know this is like stupid Oh like a music wise I'm really sorry I was really into bullies really the beatles initially and then what's
00:35:14| weird is that's a throwback is that weird it's a throwback attracted to the past I'm sorry I keep it iced you had to keep it nice but like what else Beatles and then I was a you know really
00:35:37| blossoming in the 90s though I also suffer from what I like to call the Kurt Cobain complex that's cool I mean now it's not like I I think a lot of people they hit their 30s and they continue to
00:35:49| listen to music they listen to and they were a teenager you know I'm on to auditions now people do what do you we do now now I'm just everything but mostly instrumentals everything I told
00:36:00| you like yeah how you ended like a goblin corps really yeah I guess you're right that's kind of a cop-out it'd be better to say when I'm not you than what I am but so I guess what I'm really into
00:36:13| stuff that sounds like it's from a different planet or really weird cool I really like like Mogwai I know Mom Godspeed you black Emperor and all this yeah I kind of got to beat
00:36:25| you black Emperor may be not quite as hard as that I'm just yeah yeah yeah those that same kind of like prog rock a little bit also I just like yeah jazz and that's glass cool little bit I like
00:36:38| to put classical just to relax I think I pretend I like classical you know it's fine I think if you want and to like something enough I think you actually like it yeah how do you get there
00:36:51| there's no way if you let someone listen to classical for the first time and they didn't like music and then it no theory and they know anything to be like oh it's great like no one really likes it
00:37:02| yeah it's like a learn thing like that's like an intellectual thing that's like a multi-level thing yeah that's what's weird about it and also it's like almost like the D evolution of humans because
00:37:14| classical music was incredibly complex and now it's just four chords everywhere you know what I mean but think about this I mean the average how many people will sing in music back then it's 19 or
00:37:27| whatever though yeah like it was like four hundred people listen to music you literally knew all the people listen to music I mean there were music majors yeah now it's like four billion people
00:37:37| listen see all of them are skateboarders come or their emo some of them are this like it's like you got to just commonplace pronounce something easy for you to listen yeah you got to make it
00:37:46| easy and you know before was it wasn't for they cuke eating that cucumber sandwiches you know at parties and it was it was for the kings you know it was for their yeah but those guys were on
00:37:59| their shit I mean they were making music for years that's generations of like secret stuff Dora learned a lifetime of gone like mix and match let's do some old stuff like that stuff's complex shit
00:38:14| hmm nowadays it's like yo I'm 14 and wasn't something give me something good yeah yeah give me something papi I don't hate it it's just it's what it is it's hell yeah it is what it is that's it you
00:38:27| know yeah I had to I had so much hatred I had to get through over the years to for music for certain sniper yeah yeah and that's when I say the Kurt Cobain complex what I'm talking about is
00:38:39| this fallacy almost that creative people have they feel like it's a rite of passage to suffer in order to create good artwork and you know and then he had Bradley Knoll you definitely have
00:38:55| the Kurt Cobain complex where he felt like he had to get into heroin to understand yeah and he overdosed on heroin yeah no no if he he felt like it made
00:39:07| him a better musician yeah I was really I got really into some when I watched a documentary about him but you never know with YouTube Gawker right yeah no it was it was before the it was before the
00:39:20| youtubes yeah no problem yeah either way what we're getting at before so oh yeah very off track what we're getting at is there's the there's an element of evil complex like you said it's not it's an
00:39:38| element there you go yeah this is what the culture thing there's a formation of yourself that happens we had an episode on privacy and one of the things that surprised me is that if you don't have
00:39:47| privacy you can't develop yourself so by taking drugs maybe you're leaving the area that's like the environment that's distracting you from understanding yourself so by taking it out you can
00:39:58| kind of figure out what's going on even though it might be bad for you and then maybe make reasonable understandings to change your life create more creative moves yeah yeah and I guess that that is
00:40:12| where you get tied up in that that Kurt Cobain complex kind of thing or that I need to suffer to feel you know the best songs come from when you're suffering you know yeah that pain and because
00:40:24| there is something to that I think it's a generalization for a reason you know there's something really mellon about melancholy about the beauty of pain and the painful stories that we experience
00:40:36| you don't get that many songs about melancholy or like grunge nowadays it's weird yeah nowadays you don't you don't I mean you get a lot of tourists love songs you know breakup songs
00:40:47| you know it'll come full circle guys it'll be another day he's not like a black hole son or something like that hundred said sure yeah yeah off-kilter so I did remember what I wrote in my not
00:41:00| notes I didn't raw okay I remember so this is like it's like a change direction a little bit but it might tie in okay that's good that's good one weird thing that keeps coming up in the
00:41:12| story Marie comes up in a lot of people's lives is religion ah we did a whole episode on religion she's a lesbian she's a lesbian homosexuality is the ultimate sin there
00:41:27| are some people were pretty awful about it they're like you are the scum of the earth you will live in the third tier or whatever the tier was I don't like yeah look he's Hell or something from yeah
00:41:39| reason well here's my ultimate question it seemed like religion wasn't for her like for Sandy I imagine the three of us talking right here religion isn't necessarily our thing for her it kept
00:41:53| seeming like she kept coming back to it almost a necessity well yeah like she wanted it even if it didn't work for her she got married for that reason she had kids for that reason she stayed with mr.
00:42:06| smiley for that reason and then at the end she found her her ultimate love of her life girlfriend who was a minister and I was like stay away from religion but what's wrong with you you want a
00:42:20| shaker you know stop anyone I always think is there's a there's a weird balance between what people think religion will do for them when it can be for them and what it is for them and
00:42:34| religions it's like a tipping point um it's all use religion to give you hope um channel your energies and like use it as a sweetness and a repent but in some
00:42:47| people who use it to be a real dickhead some people use it to control other people power yeah and I don't know where she fell in man I was like wow she kept coming back to religion even though it
00:42:59| told her to go away almost yeah and that's you know and that's something that just blows my mind - I was trying to get to the bottom of that in the podcast and as I've been
00:43:09| promoting on on Twitter and and reaching out there's whole communities of almost sexual people that are still Mormon and they're yeah they caught they call themselves like the latter days instead
00:43:23| of the Latter day Saints and I've I've been messaging back and forth to the with a few people asking like why don't you just go there's a lot of New Age religions that are totally cool with
00:43:35| because if they're still in that religion and the religion softening to the idea of being gay they they still can't have sex with the man and they still can't marry man or if the or a
00:43:48| woman and marry it works right so what's the point I mean you know they're beholden to their religion there's like a form of compliance there where they feel comfortable what they know used a
00:43:59| big word bringing up the compliance yes I wanted to know more about this word complain so there was there's an element of the story where like there's a moment where your mom actually decided to leave
00:44:09| and then this ties in with like you not be able to call her because your dad was like in the house so she would tell you to call an 800 number which was really intelligent by your mom's point of view
00:44:22| like as she got away from your father it seemed like she became more intelligent like she picked a job that paid really well that was easy to get into it actually became like a massage the first
00:44:32| one was Domino's free pizza yeah Domino's but that was still cut over there for the whole yeah so once she was able to boilers get away from the environment and look at it like
00:44:44| third-person you're able to like analyze things and determine that maybe like the best choices in life are the ones that you make and not the ones that are given to you and really seem like your mom
00:44:55| understood that the moment she stepped away from the situation mm-hmm I think so and then I think she briefly discusses how she kind of needed it needed it back
00:45:07| again so she attracted it now in lesbian relationships and it took her many lesbian relationships that she went through she met Neil and women's Hilo they yeah she met a female you know and
00:45:22| it's weird it's almost like the after a certain amount of I don't know if it's post-traumatic stress or I don't know what that with anything about that either it would have been interesting to
00:45:34| have a psychologist in on this or on this podcast to know and now we take a break for doctor whatever you know and again yeah yeah but yeah it's just it's mind-blowing what and I think that's
00:45:48| part of human nature just over it kind of indoctrinated into a certain way of thinking and you accept doctrine it is a great word yeah and I think it's not just Mormons as everyone I think also
00:46:00| you everybody can relate to that feeling of wanting to be a certain way over and over constantly you you don't want to be the version of yourself that you are you want to be something better but you just
00:46:11| you can never achieve it you know you can never get there like I'm gonna quit smoking or I'm gonna I swear I'm gonna this I'm gonna lose this weight this year I'm gonna you know
00:46:21| that's the basic stuff that most people can relate to but in the extreme cases it's I'm gonna get out of this abusive marriage and it just never happened no real quick we like to do inside every
00:46:34| episode for supplier Oh d-series it's it's a Japanese blade you can live off is the gh1 six 308 it folded Japanese steel what I've noticed is my penguin at home I use that to cut things listen of
00:46:54| eyes of ladies to cut things right ordinary butter anyway let's light it right through that paper okay it doesn't just stop and this thing will help you with your money problems
00:47:14| [Applause] just trust me it did I'm worried about your hand don't worry it's not just any bleed I know how to hand let's check the guide your ex-wife's
00:47:30| Jeep Grand Cherokee cut throw it like flutter boom last thing I'm telling you folks is that this thing cuts through anything you're all at homes and it can probably cut
00:47:44| through some things but not anything let's say as smooth as man's material put in the coupon code WR e ck t reckt you will get 18 percent off thanks Leon panders anyway it's the misaki d series
00:48:07| blade it's the gh 1 6 308 check it out put in the coupon code we get full credit we'll get a cut actor whoever the cut we got a cut we get a cut slice dice if
00:48:19| you got problems in your relationships you have issues in your life cut the cord is the thing it'll fix everything mmm miss buy it you'll be good for life okay you're good thanks coming back if
00:48:33| you wanted to cut out relationships in your life yes was that made up Leslie was that a real knife Doug it's a really cute made wood practicing for when we get sponsors oh okay I see you're saying
00:48:55| yeah I thought it was legit I really did answers the one thing I was a little concerned by was how specific you were with the Jeep Grand Cherokee sister's car I just it was the first person I
00:49:15| thought of what no it has a certain character I saw your ex but now that you said it's your sister's I'm not gonna say I don't like your ex-wife I'm sure good sir she could still be my
00:49:30| ex-girlfriend of eight years also dating women oh oh hmm that's an interesting thing you know so thank you wait let's get into that like she's a lesbian right
00:49:43| yeah yes whole story she marries a man she dates men and it doesn't work out hmm if she had dated a or married a nicer guy do you think like she would never
00:49:59| know - she would know she was a lesbian but do you think it would have just yeah if he wasn't married yeah I think I think there was even a line just single line where she says if he was nice
00:50:13| right I would have stayed married to him hmm and maybe even because she did find a way to love him in ways you know obviously to be able to have children with him there was there had to be have
00:50:24| been some level of love there even if it was the love you have for somebody who's torturing you it still of love and I think but if it was a nice and there are there's so many kind gentle nice Mormon
00:50:35| men out there I mean probably the majority of them are nice you know where they have partnerships yeah 50 percent you know I mean because and that's just humanity that's not just most people are
00:50:46| just assholes you know but they yeah I think she would have stayed with him and would have been fine you know I'm always missing that piece of her heart you know I know you sense him as a kid wouldn't I
00:50:59| mean I don't know what at what point you figured out that your mom was a lesbian she said she said young are you talking about when he figured out yeah I'm corny or her your perspective yeah with yeah
00:51:11| from my perspective I never really sensed it yeah that's not like but I did since there was there was just no intimacy between her father which I thought was really strange but I thought
00:51:23| that's just cuz he was a prick you know but um the what was fun is when she did come out we had a lot of fun uh you know and she lived in Calphalon jalisa in Hollywood so we'd go sit on Melrose and
00:51:36| check out the hot chicks that should be like Chiba I go she's a little old for you I'm like she's a little young for you mom nice yeah so it was kind of fun to to break those boundaries and then
00:51:49| that was strange too that made me to ally because you sort of base your sex about the ink of what your parents teach you you know don't tell hmm a little bit of a delay here I don't
00:52:05| know this is an interruption or not see they come back there we are nice long delay okay long delay there I I thought that I would just keep talking but as I thought the delay it just got awkward I
00:52:40| felt like I was talking to myself you know really I did that moment yeah for a minute I wondered if any of this was even real you know and then I got really confused
00:52:52| mm-hm the LSD kicked back in again oh yeah I never finished that there was lots of drugs with marijuana LSD eventually I had to go to rehab for crystal meth I mean geez you know just
00:53:04| yeah yeah sandy and the love of her life had to put me in rehab it was a rehab in South Central they called The Last House on the block how do you I'm curious too I've never been addicted any of that mmm
00:53:20| how do you do rehab we've literally put you in a house they don't like leave and it's like a week-long and then the first three days or shit or something I don't know yeah so if I see that's the thing I
00:53:33| thought it was gonna be like a hospital type situation you know I'm from Utah initially no it was a house in south-central and there was the only bed they could find me and it was just
00:53:44| usually have to go to a detox place first because they don't want you coming off the hard stuff yeah and then in front of the patients but in my case they just let me sleep there for a few
00:53:54| days which they normally don't do and he it was supposed to be like three to six months but I checked out early after a month and I haven't used the Krista mess since then that was very early in my
00:54:05| that was my early 20s oh I would never I mean it was just a strange phase and it's just incredibly addictive that drug you know sohal you give us like a hint at the
00:54:14| positives and the negatives of it well the positives of it are for four days I don't know yeah I mean for me the positives were the literary aspect of it I at that point fancied myself a writer
00:54:28| and you keep writing you can rewrite I just I'd hop on the I'd hop on the bus in the metro and yeah yeah you just scribble in my notebook and there's a hunter's Thompson it's kind of like yeah
00:54:42| it's kind of yeah kind of like the beat thing I was antsy myself yeah unrest Thompson for sure you know I was watching Naked Lunch too at that period of time I'm sure but they and so the and
00:54:58| then the other thing is I really sleep deprivation is a really fun high as especially when you get beyond the three four day mark how he's home he's not tired you stay awake probably three or
00:55:11| four days and it was only a month and a half that I was on this stuff and what's like a new Bradish what's like a crash like after you've been awake for four days it's like a four day crash yeah
00:55:21| it's like a 48 hour crash something like that probably it's weird though because you can really disoriented like the moment you wake up you just like you have no idea where a week was yeah it's
00:55:33| kind of like you expend you expend a lot more of your energy you expend a lot more of your juice and then it catches up with you and you pay back for it like super fast-moving brain that can your
00:55:51| your erudition and your vocabulary is just heightened like crazy you know and then all of a sudden you're just uh dum-dum was just in a hole yeah you don't even know anything yeah yeah yeah
00:56:09| so that's something for me and I think looking back at all that drug the struggles I had with drugs was what allowed me to be so open minded some of those things we were talking
00:56:20| about earlier and just that yeah you have to kind of come to terms with so many different things when you're trying to stop being addicted to something you know you have to find out where all
00:56:32| that's coming from and you know so I was just rehabs and the 12-step programs and all that you know and so you can drink anymore you I don't know no I can't do the drinking anymore either because no
00:56:46| it's fine I get offered it all the time and in my field you know and I say no thanks you know that's it and all right I'll drink you know mm-hmm but the it's not really that big of a
00:56:55| deal anymore it's been a couple of years now since I've had a drink but it's because there's a difference you know it's like imagine Will Ferrel an old school you know once it hits the lips
00:57:05| and we're doing Street yeah there are some people that there's some people that just have that deep disposition to it that and and for me it doesn't take very long I just immediately hit rock
00:57:17| bottom with that stuff so go hard be a real hard yeah yeah I find that sometimes to indulge is great but sometimes just stop it's like yeah yeah yeah I mean you're casually having a
00:57:35| drink I would have had like 12 by now probably maybe eight Gayle's on the scale would have got me yeah yeah I mean eight minimum eight you have to have at least eight I mean twelve sounds reason
00:57:46| for do yeah fifteen sure but so now I do the Khumbu tune and all that what's it can you show us which believer it was oh it's coffee coffee with the cane a zombie - don't I've never had that
00:58:00| flavor so it's really good is it yeah this is the Beverly Hills brand GTS camuto weird that's in the good stuff on panders discount code and you at 5% yeah if you type in you poopoo
00:58:24| part boo part Jesus is the to sum up the episode is yes we're drawing to an end and we're getting scattered all sorts of scattered I didn't know you're gonna get into drug
00:58:40| addiction and all that I'm sorry that happens on natural progression here it's a natural progression here guys hmm I was gonna try and do the copy everything Dan says iced I know but he
00:58:53| stopped I'm a receiver no no do the quick recap I figure that's where Nick was going no I was gonna end one more discussion more more okay we'll keep it quick what a concise one more I'm
00:59:11| curious like when your first option of being like out of the house away from all the all the all the crap that you thought was normal life you're gonna Nick is saying they all right now
00:59:21| no but there's a moment so hey for me there's a moment when I went to college and I got away from my parents and like you realize like how sheltered you are you see all these different people you
00:59:30| realize that life is a lot different than what you expected and there's so many options for being happier or even a little assetid or being anything different you know it's it's so hard you
00:59:43| know that the shadows and the reflections on the wall of your cave you're in is all you really know you know and so but you know so for me the first time was when I was 17 I got in a
01:00:02| huge fight with my dad and I ripped the toupee off of his head and he's a big old fat he was a big ol fatty with the toupee you know and he hated fat people they just hated happy even though he was
01:00:22| even though he was fat mmm huh but anyway so we got a huge fry and ripping the to pay off his head is what kept gave me because his adrenaline I beat the hell out of them and then he
01:00:34| was chasing me but when he got outside he realized his hair wasn't on so I was able to get away and he stopped he couldn't be like seeing in public without a toupee yeah
01:00:43| yeah he couldn't be seen in public so I got away to a friend's house and I had $600 in a bank account and I got on a Greyhound bus and he never went back la yeah we didn't go back to Utah for a
01:00:57| long time after that and when I did go back to Utah I had I was an adult you know and had could could enjoy it again Ellie can be a lot like seeing him again
01:01:07| what was that like I was it was just weird it was just a lot of dissociation and like compartmentalization you know just kind of it felt remove oh yeah you just you don't talk about it we never
01:01:24| talked about any of it he almost after he would go on one of his psychotic breakdowns the next day was like it didn't happen was really strange I almost thought it was just my identity
01:01:39| is sort of peripheral yeah so that was so cool to get off this greyhound bus in downtown LA and you know in Utah especially at the time there was like one black person that lived here you
01:01:52| know it's it's grown in diversity substantially since then but so as this little suburban green go from from Utah was just like whoa and it was just amazing you know and there's almost just
01:02:07| like this collective consciousness to the city to you just you can't help but just feel it in there in your blood you know and so that was cool because at that point it was like anything's
01:02:18| possible you know all possibilities of life can you can just become anything you want to become and it was just pure freedom you know and your mommy was as they're angels for me so zero and I'll
01:02:31| end it here what do you wish for your kid like what do you want her or him future I'm giving you future kids okay yeah you're giving kids there you go yeah months
01:02:49| things are you feeling Randy but like what do you want for them so that's something that I this the whole process of the show's made me think about a lot it's like man and I don't want any
01:03:07| specific things I don't think like I don't care who they want to have sex with I don't care where they go to college or what they want to do for a profession all I would really hope to do
01:03:18| as a parents I think is to provide them coping mechanisms of how to deal with failure you know and how to pick themselves up and how to deal with heartbreak and and how and teach them to
01:03:32| love themselves you know what I mean if I can impart that on them that they're special and that they are all they need you know and give them that power to go through life then then they're ahead of
01:03:42| the game you know and they'll be able to do whatever they want yeah that's really nice message do you do you want them to hear the story of you you know honestly like we do this a
01:03:59| lot cuz we've done 100 episodes and there's things that maybe I wanted episodes and I'm like I don't know if I want to share this within because a sexual episode yeah like do you feel
01:04:10| like if your kid sees this it's like weird are you like no I don't I don't think so because I don't know maybe I think so though right it's weird but it's not bad it's not I mean it's just
01:04:26| weird it's just kind of like you know but at the same time eventually I think that's that's the relationship it's weird to and that's something that my mom and I have which is you know she can
01:04:37| easily talk to me about how my dad would only want to have sex with her right after hysterectomy you know that was the most effed up are wait yeah and they're mine I don't wanna in the episode okay
01:04:52| rewind because I had the whole time I was watching an episode mostly I was like what's with the music I was like is this royalty-free sounds friend or yeah it was Stefan ogre Oni
01:05:05| yeah I noticed individual songs we played at certain times and like the mood it was a bass heavy power yeah oh shit yeah there was a lot of thematic material mr. smiles
01:05:23| has had his own theme in there and one one review when iTunes is like what the effing sound on the thing it's distracting people I know I'm just like I'm not gonna read the reviews you know
01:05:41| I'm like that's that's what was the process for that he he's recording his own stuff yeah so it was it was kind of a process of and something I sort of picked up with some work that I was
01:05:56| doing on editing film which I really like to edit film after the composer has worked on it for a while so you sort of make the cuts to the music so we sort of did a lot of back-and-forth so it was
01:06:11| like this is the basic chunk of what episode one's gonna be why don't you have it for a little while but don't stick to it just and then throw me back some of your files so it was like a
01:06:20| little bit of us working together making something really nice happen yeah yeah but I just love in with these by the way he's just this crazy musician out here one of the best ears yeah a friend of
01:06:32| mine really yeah very close friend huh yeah yeah he's trying he's been he's trying to work find more avenues to make money as a composer and his a musician he's been kind of playing him playing in
01:06:44| bands and now he's like shit I'm getting ready honey some of this stuff was awesome totally alright so it was awesome yeah I never said it was bad for a nine Episode series that was pretty
01:06:57| good mm-hmm yeah Stefano got our own e we're Americans here oh yeah yeah so that's that Stefan ogre oh nice oh it's GA ro I and Stefano as ste f ano so you could
01:07:20| do yeah at Stefan agar Oni and find him on Twitter I think I need some some pretty sweet tracks actually pretty good they were useful I know they're useful you'll be even when it's frickin
01:07:30| baseline when you talk about yeah I was really a that was in like a Neapolitan key signature I heard that song and I know I like the added the cool sense to the evil you know which was interesting
01:08:04| ear bass player so yeah just this bass player I only they split something okay so that's where you keep for for you keep for for you kind of this snare and then two of the four we're good yeah
01:08:19| there you go yeah ask me do more now we're out regardless I thought the music was great the production was great what you did was great talking thank you
01:08:31| mother was actually pretty great mmm he had a good impact your it and then a difference by the unpaid yeah time man this is this is fun thank you thank you I need a standard here something nods an
01:08:52| idea coupon code wrecked or hard poo drinking some kombucha yeah rock rock shit yeah anyway to sum it all up your mother had great life
01:09:12| awful life do you have to experience the worst to feel a bit uh yeah mmmm made a great story we can check your socials here or here dancers the yeah story of Sandra's in the video
01:09:30| yeah we're talking Steve in the Sun on our show do you have anything real quick task that's before we roll out I mean we cover a stuff yeah we did we covered all sorts of stuff no no nothing really I
01:09:44| sounds like you have a big backlog of episodes or you get anxious do you all right yeah both together that's that's what I was hoping okay and does not know it but we're
01:09:58| gonna get into it yeah that's why we're sitting so close to each other about about you know I've often been thought of as ambiguous and I am I in my younger days I was flamboyant see it by a
01:10:15| microphone yeah and even the glasses but see the glasses are more gaze you wanted less gay now yeah right but no I wouldn't be opposed to it I used to tell people I'm just waiting to meet the
01:10:33| right guy here haha I'm standing up for my phase tell your wife she's a hell yeah it's not gonna go real well yeah it's weird you know this whole thing works together it's weird how it all
01:10:54| ties back to this oh it's weird though looks like we all are part of an unplanned or is episode and yet here we are uh-huh we're live we're here we're
01:11:07| beyond panderers on a podcast II Steve mmm yeah is it coincidence maybe are we okay maybe baby not maybe everybody's a little gay just tiny personal
01:11:21| experiences yeah that's all you know you're a little gay come on everyone listeners I'm a little gay [Laughter] thanks Carrie the Communist the mic and
01:11:33| just admit it it's fine thanks folks for listening yeah we like thanks for having me guys you've been really fun it was like you were having a lot expert in folks all
01:11:49| right now story of Sandra check out on panders throw money at just the on panderers not sorry interrupt that's fine provide the ginseng blade no saw you the only one he has from a listen
01:12:04| Doug I love you folks I like you friggin love yeah thanks for watching and listening
00:00:17| afraid or unsure you finding yourself we're going to touch on a story just like that come join us so I'm Dan and I'm Nick books for old friends dissecting one topic at a time
00:00:35| people technology media we've got it all covered each discussion here deep dive into our unique perspective taboo forbidden subjects they're all on the chopping block baby we don't pander to
00:00:49| popular opinion look like you can get a little bit dirty morning this podcast may contain mature language and sexual content and is for entertainment purposes only so join us
00:01:01| have a good time open up your earholes we're gonna fondle your follicles [Music] all right we're here with a special guest Steve everyone how's it going yeah
00:01:27| I'm Dan and I'm Steven guest episodes are actually my favorite oh cool sure haters gonna hate this is my first time being a guest on an episode so thank you for fantastic job
00:01:43| man I hope he doesn't I hope he doesn't ruin it now folks I think I'll be good I think okay all right so let's tell a room where Stevens from Steven has is empower you did right yeah
00:01:55| nine episodes yeah it's right this yeah it's just a nine Episode series the story of Sandra Marie we just wrapped up not too long ago it's pretty sweet now because we want people to check it out
00:02:08| themselves we won't just rehash the whole story people check it out we recommend it it's super good but it's essentially about your mother right uh-huh yeah Sandra
00:02:17| Marie that's her first and middle name yeah so it's about her life story and everything that she went through essentially growing up as a lesbian girl and then being lured into the Mormon
00:02:30| religion to eventually go through conversion therapy and getting into an abusive marriage and how she escaped the abusive marriage yeah so essentially a pretty pretty pretty heavy story yeah
00:02:43| it's some really heavy superhead stuff but that's that's totally cool because I'm not usually always a fan of that and I listen to it and it's actually it's a good read but unless you listen yeah
00:02:52| yeah a good listening there's catching up to these chunks - yeah like that it was 25 ish minute segments it kept it you know fresh like cuz I couldn't be like an hour and eight minutes like come
00:03:04| on I got up I'm driving to work but like those segments it was nice it was well not nice you know cuz it was a heavy material and yeah serious stuff but it was good it was manageable I'm like well
00:03:15| done thank you the editing in the beginning is it was kind of impressive like you brought all the sound clips together and it sounded smooth and clean and I think that's what caused yeah and
00:03:25| there was a commercial from the 50s about how homosexuality is and and then the rest of the voices in there all Mormon apostles is that a real commercial yeah it was a real commercial
00:03:37| I can't can't remember where to have it from but yeah I've seen that before I thought it was like a me more like a joke or something no it actually wasn't it was like a propaganda film and the
00:03:46| whole film is all about it and there's this boy Billy that kids like we're building yeah he's he gets uh you know attacked by a homosexual man so I have seen this now because I thought it was a
00:04:01| joke hey I feel like this is done the same way that don't listen to jazz music and smoke a marijuana cigarette oh yeah is that reefer madness yes it is kind of
00:04:14| it's sort of done like I don't I don't think it's a joke it's a it's a legitimate but reefer madness is a joke yeah I think reefer well I don't know I don't know it's got a fifties were crazy
00:04:26| time yeah and I mean and I was stoned when I watched reefer madness on the comedy just writes itself yeah so I just want to touch on the heavy this because I feel like yeah we
00:04:39| niggas worried he's easily hardened well I'm not worried I just I wanted to get it out in the open because I feel like if we're having a good time we're all laughing never liked anyway conversion
00:04:49| therapy it's time mm-hmm but when it's it's a hard thing I get I see you're saying because it could be hard to do maybe joke or be like light-hearted around heavy topics you don't want to
00:05:01| give off the wrong right I don't like we're laughing at it yeah I do I do want to touch on it like that stuff we're easy they tried it is crazy physiologically who you were
00:05:11| psychologically who you are by shocking you said I think in the story you said it like they they made your mom like try to masturbate to men like they gave her like making pictures of man or something
00:05:24| yes naked pictures of men with erections with erections I didn't know today and I even made a note of it Wow what if it was like flaccid like no this man has to be better actually
00:05:37| oh yeah and for her that was the first time she had seen a penis you know so and that was completely against the religion - right oh yeah I mean pornography is one of the worst
00:05:47| worse things you could do in the religion so and masturbation definitely is so in its religion though didn't you get in trouble for like bringing a coffee can somewhere because you weren't
00:05:57| allowed to drink coffee something off we're we're saying hey no kissing before marriage with light pecking don't drink coffee don't look at your neighbor don't utter
00:06:09| any bad words but also we're gonna cure you here's some pornography I got a guy with a raging erection yes it's pretty crazy for me I'm just wondering about the guy who went and collected the porno
00:06:22| you know like where did he get it from is there an approval process like he was like looking at like eight pictures I was like no no I'm not sure Wallace was spinning a giant porno everywhere yeah
00:06:35| it's a bunch of conversion therapy guys so you know they're probably gay and so they're like yeah we could kind of picture seven penis you know what is that I don't even know there's probably
00:06:43| there was a committee like it wasn't handed down from the Pope or like the what's the the Pope version is there like a the Pope version of is the Prophet is what it's called problem so
00:06:54| there's a bishop like yeah he's like the head Bishop he's like the Pope and he's the prophet of the church and then there's Twelve Apostles under him oh well I mean yeah we're like a cool and
00:07:07| like a skull and bones okay yeah yeah and it's I mean and they're all I mean you I think a prerequisite is you have to be like 99 to be one of the Twelve Apostles or something cuz they're all
00:07:17| just about that which is I think a lot of people probably credit that for the intolerance or the the things they don't like about the religion or the leaders are just super old you know they were
00:07:29| around when they're supposed to hit your wife you know I mean they were they were they were young before the civil rights movement even happened you know I mean yeah they're not supposed to yes 99
00:07:44| you're not doing you're pretty controllable you're not doing a lot of change I mean yeah you've already made it that far and that was something that we we struggled with
00:07:53| a lot with the podcast because we didn't want it to be like a talking talking a bunch of ass on the Mormon religion you know and coming down on it by any means no are you practicing you like it you
00:08:06| seem like you're but you're still yeah not right not at all yeah I'm still in Utah no I haven't been practicing for many years for well you were raised Mormon no like I was raised madman yeah
00:08:17| like church I was fairly active you know but I would I would slough the Mormon Church because they have like three meetings so I would go to the meeting that I was in with my parents and then
00:08:30| the other meetings I would sneak home consequently my father or mr. smiles from the podcast would also sneak home and he would watch klog Rafi during the middle meetings of everybody here and I
00:08:46| just sit in them mm-hmm and it was back in the the 90s were satellite dishes you know so the TV signal would come through all of the television it's in the house scrambled and frozen on the porn out and
00:08:58| then you'd be like hey yeah you know so so whatever's one person is watching the whole all the other TVs that are hooked into the little coaxial cable there they see the same thing so I would you know
00:09:11| record that stuff and in junior high became a photography salesman oh nice really yeah I mean this was before the internet and that's right around yeah so I mean I made some pretty good money off
00:09:23| of that that's wild can I ask you what you would charge like are you making a VCR copy of this yeah VCR copy and I would just let it run whenever I knew he was watching it
00:09:33| eventually I found the password to the you do their channels yeah and then I just recorded it myself could you get over a pop one like a video and do like yes yeah slide that across the table
00:09:46| it's in a book bag you're like huh yeah and when one of the kids was dumb enough to leave it in his VCR and you know then my daddy couldn't really say anything to me about it you know shit I'll punish my
00:10:00| son but I never got in trouble oh yeah kind of kind of strange but you know we were going there yeah yeah I don't I don't know how we got there the porn salesman so there you go I've moved
00:10:21| on out of the porn industry that was a that's fine yeah there's just a few who have a thing for ministry in Utah no no it's not very big in Utah you know either into some
00:10:30| really weird stuff is it weird that like California is the center of the porn world and that's like really how close is it to California it's like a 12-hour Drive after twat you got Nevada in
00:10:42| between so yeah Vegas and then and then LA oh you're that it's near Vegas kinda I mean it's kind of inside of the these mountains it's sort of encased in these mountains kind of like on certain areas
00:10:55| of Colorado are so you feel like you're in a fishbowl a lot of times and you are kind of protected from the rest of the world which is probably what founders of the place like so much about it or so
00:11:08| that maybe that was the origin of recording for you was your passion for recording things yes we do notice all the nice gear around you yeah you know I had to set it up so I could show off my
00:11:21| speaks and you know my blue Yeti microphone you know he's being modest they're called monitors when they're that expensive okay cuz yeah yeah EQ balance issues these wrong or EQ
00:11:34| distributors there yes co act they don't have coax excuse me I got that from you I guess if XLR cables okay you know these bad boys in like they're legit these guys are balanced they got you
00:11:47| know they're active they have crossovers built into them I do now every time you turn on the computer yeah they do and I kind of this is me uh God's money for these speakers you know
00:12:00| yeah and I'm like a Windows restart I'm like did you and oh my god damage and turn them off but I don't think yeah I mean I have like this little headphone monitor thing and that's supposed to be
00:12:11| nice too and that you know it could I can a be between the two monitors yeah don't get me going on gear we'll just talk the whole time about gear then your gear so I'm an electrical engineer so
00:12:25| I'm I've done a little bit with like fiddling with signals and stuff but um I go on the cheap I try to do things myself buy the cheapest thing I like test it out just good variety do you
00:12:39| ever get in there and like operate on it and like turn to make your own little modifications and solder pull out the soldering iron and stuff yeah that was my job for like 10 years - like repairs
00:12:49| not ironed jobs have you done I bet you this guys don't like - I did a soldering iron job last week actually tapping into the communications on a circuit board you know what were you doing were you
00:13:00| soldering it re soldering or you just unsoldering something or are you just connecting some come on give me soldering cables into it's called a SPI port which has like four different wires
00:13:09| to it this comes it's pretty good mm-hmm that's cool yeah I mean that's just--that's in the same field as like you know recording engineers they're basically electricians yeah so so is
00:13:22| this you you did mention oh is this the first like this isn't the first podcast that you've recorded right you've done multiple other audio recordings yeah so actually I'm only no I only would have
00:13:35| done one podcast before this it was a podcast with my brother called a hundred frickin films and we just did 100 freaking films yeah we watched interviewed 100 freakin movie you got to
00:13:54| know we almost lost the movie we didn't watch rubber Oh what is that a new movie a new one that's been out because honey I don't know how recent but Nick and I really do we got
00:14:08| copyright it's about a tire that comes to life and is very vengeful and he tries to kill the town Howard exploding with its mind oh wow I think if some pictures of this I saw some yeah I saw
00:14:20| some promotional material of this tire going around I thought that was a joke that was it very well done yeah so you guys got hit for that we figured it was fair rights like let's Josh on it let's
00:14:37| tell jokes let's talk about B wouldn't how many hours was it up for like a oh yeah who's got like flagged and shut down for copy in our lack of defense we did have the video and the audio stream
00:14:49| in our own stream so it was like it was like 640 who's gonna watch I did Fleur it and add like a watermark and then we tried to talk very much commentary over top of it who wants to fight off but
00:15:08| anyway we didn't notice um with all this recording software all this previous experience like what will we do with a record some music yeah so yeah I've been an audio guy for many years now going
00:15:25| back into if he wanted to relate it to the Sandra Murray story since in that timeline kind of I actually went and lived with her in Los Angeles when I was living in LA now so you got to go work
00:15:40| in the industry somewhere so I just went and interned at a recording studio and kind of just that blew up my mind and I just got my start there as an intern and then eventually a runner getting people
00:15:53| there their 2:00 in the morning Taco Bell and then eventually an assistant when she learned what uh anyone anyone big we'd recognized legs you know it was more of the record labels the biggest
00:16:04| one was that I actually got to meet the artist was Jimmy Eat World I'm Jim Atkins yeah he was a super nice guy the it was a mixing studio so there was a lot of famous artists stuff that
00:16:16| came in to the studio but the artists didn't bother showing up usually right so a lot of a lot of really famous engineers and producers that that most
00:16:25| people wouldn't recognize their names you know the sound guy always gets a shaft rhyme make sense yeah so I recorded bands for many years and did a lot of live sound and stuff too and just
00:16:41| recently started thinking about the idea of getting involved in podcast because I realized I holy shit this is like everything I did I could totally do all this it's just manipulating audio you
00:16:52| know so it's it's been really fun you know and then there's this local network podcast network age 13 that's just a few of us right now that we're trying to get off the ground and so in addition to
00:17:05| Sandra Marie I did and then through my brother and some other people I know we did hundred freaking films and then now we're on to trying to get a couple more shows I agree yeah the the stories from
00:17:18| the red chair what's that kind of a you know is this a preview or yeah according to wind and releases this episode yeah yeah well it's um it's it's more in in development to see if we
00:17:31| really collected enough stories which is just stories from people who have been through like unbearably trying circumstances and sort of tell their stories of survival their stories of
00:17:43| like like how do you find hope and how do you find a way to move on and keep living when you've been through so much crap you know and so there was that the illusion of here
00:17:55| sorry it was at the origin of like your mom's story like how did you get that original idea to sit down with your mom and go through it some horrifying stories from her past
00:18:04| well she's been since I've kind of been I also went to film school and stuff so she's been wanting to make a movie about her story specifically the conversion therapy part of it for a long time and
00:18:16| she's also written a book a few drafts of the book that she's continuing to work on and she's gearing towards the conversion therapy part of the book and so she's always we've always talked
00:18:27| about collaborating on something and then my it was actually my wife's idea we were just laying in bed and I was talking telling her stories about my mom and my dad and she's like
00:18:35| there's the first effort I'm glad we're opiate yeah and yeah this is this episode my never air this is not our material ah I'm sorry I was your guest you know he didn't know I'm sure he put
00:18:51| it deep in her but she said you know you should really do a podcast about your mom and I'm like and then I just got talked to sucks to h13 guys and then talked to my mom about it and see I
00:19:03| thought if she came up and took a bus up here actually from Idaho and we chatted for two days and that's the whole podcast was just two days of us talking so I gathered that from the whole thing
00:19:13| and I even gathered that she was writing a book because she wanted to read the one part in like the later parts and all right it was very well written very eloquent did she wish you like an
00:19:22| English major no idea she wasn't English maybe she took a couple classes in LA or something poetic and like well-written about that whole thing I was totally rest of her boom is
00:19:35| probably also well written yeah it's a lot like that and it's it's pretty it's I think that's why she was able to speak it so clearly she's just been waiting to tell the story for a long time I'm not
00:19:47| sure she spoke it very clearly and what's weird though so go through how this whole happened you know the story ahead of time did you know like what percentage of her talking were you able
00:20:00| to predict easily you're like I know 90% of I know 50% were you like holy shit I didn't know 40% of this yeah well most of the stuff before me I had no idea before I was born
00:20:10| okay so her early life I really didn't know and I really so it was headlined right yeah I'm like I'm not that good of a son you know and in doing so we've had a lot that a surprising amount of people
00:20:20| have contacted us about this show you know and they've been touched by it and stuff and a lot of people have said that like had this made them realize they don't know their own parents or
00:20:30| something yeah yeah but there's a layer to it yeah just one of the stories you're thinking about your own connection to your own parents and then like you're like I can sense your
00:20:39| reaction but then you withhold it so I'm always like kind of curious what you're thinking as she's telling you the story and as a occasional tears that she cried like what am i doing you know and there
00:20:51| was a lot of editing that went so there was a lot of funny moment but perhaps I should have left in there for that reason like where after she gets done crying we break up and laughter for a
00:21:00| while you know and that would have been cute but I don't know we were working with this musician as well and so it was just this thing you know kind of thing yeah just kind of a an edit just an
00:21:13| editing thing you know a bunch of editing to it huh so the other thing I wanted is so she comes in it wasn't in anyone's houses in the studio so she had to come into the studio and record these
00:21:24| blocks like a two-hour block one day or a three-hour block one day a three-hour block the next day that was yeah it was like three hours and then a break and then a lunch and then another couple
00:21:35| hours and then the same thing the next day next so I think all in all we had like eight eight or nine hours of raw material that we had to go through and splice and that's a lot and what's crazy
00:21:48| is I imagine you gave her the instructions and everything else but it's like she was talking to you but not talking to you like she was comfortable enough to say all the things she had to
00:21:58| say like she knew what she was gonna say it was very well not planned whoa that script should go over this in her head a bunch of time yeah it seemed like it was very fluid it's like even to do it in
00:22:09| two days is kind of amazing to have those fluid of stories and to be it like all tied together in a nice good continuity to it build up like this is a long time coming music yeah something
00:22:19| that she's just been wanting to tell for a long time and then she also brought the most recent draft of her book and then the night before I stayed I didn't even sleep I just stayed up in read her
00:22:29| whole book and made notes and so as we were talking I was like hey let's you know the only real direction we had is let's just try to go chronologically through this and then write that makes
00:22:39| total sense and then her recordings just sort of built the whole podcast just based off of how she her recording was which is pretty cool for anyone listening right
00:22:47| now that hasn't listened just check it out I mean otherwise this whole episode seems weird yeah it's hold yeah I guess so what are they even talking about yeah
00:23:00| sounds good I don't know yeah you could just say you could just type in story of Sandra into podcast and it will pop up or you could check it out table Google for a story Sandra I don't know about
00:23:09| Google yeah I think so and I think actually if you in iTunes if you put story of or or something that just one of those a pops I'm still yes you got the story of s yeah that's good yeah
00:23:22| story of assets on there and we actually run that you were they just recently - which was crazy number for slot after Sandra bland Sandra bland oh man I gotta listen to her she died in a County Jail
00:23:40| in Waller Texas I think she was beaten and she might have been right man Jesus yeah so that's Sanders story so real quick the touch on your father mr. smiley yes yeah he passed which was part
00:24:00| of the motivation for all this - right I caught men but I didn't know I wanted to make sure before I always said anything so how did he pass he died of oh yeah I never talked about that he died of
00:24:12| pancreatic cancer so he yeah he I mean he went down it was crazy that's a that's a pretty bad one quick I didn't I yeah I hadn't known anything bad I think it's like second the second worst cancer
00:24:25| to leukemia dammit dude my co-workers just got diagnosed like three months ago with it mmm fine I said it to him cuz I didn't research it yeah it's pretty bad now I mean there
00:24:37| are the survival rates it's just right huh then especially if you're young and everything and you're not a hateful and maniac you could probably you could probably believe it a little longer yeah
00:24:50| so here's my only question and I knew this is gonna come out I knew okay cool dude and I know I like the story like I feel like it was a railroad job on Neil this is smiling yeah and I don't
00:25:05| think that's wrong but it from the story perspective right like anybody railroad in this right up your behind yeah I'm glad you pick up on that because it kind of was
00:25:16| that you're not yeah and I imagine it's hurting from the stories um but it comes off as like very like like almost one side obviously ear is yeah it's one sided you mentioned any this is a Sandra
00:25:34| no one else so it's so uh precursor it you kind of you mentioned that like there's a more details here and there but ultimately this guy is the douche the king yeah she's the protagonist and
00:25:46| he's the aunt right he's the villain and I really did I wanted to villainize him a lot and but the thing that where I'm you know I'm glad you brought that up is because his in in retrospect I wish I
00:26:00| would have made his character a little more colorful and a little more in depth because he wasn't just a complete psychopath like he like he's portrayed he was actually a very nice image
00:26:11| sometime sitting down he seemed yeah he absolutely is with like when he hit your mom and like how he hit her and then like also seemed like you guys weren't really aware of it until things got
00:26:21| really bad and then you were completely aware of it and you uh just right kinda know I was I'm the middle child middle child okay mmm twins were they both yeah the twins came before and then me and
00:26:34| that my younger sister yeah so it's interesting it's it's really weird with abusive situations we just we were we were all aware of it I think that my mom would have like think that
00:26:47| we were and she tried to shield us from but we knew it was going on did other people when you're like immediate family no or they it seemed like her own parents didn't weren't aware of it
00:26:58| nobody knew and that's that's the thing that you know I actually interviewed my sister recently I was thinking about adding adding the oldest one the wonderful twin about thinking about
00:27:10| adding an episode with her because she talks about what she thought was left out from the podcast and it's his how charming he was he was this very charming man and you just wouldn't even
00:27:21| know it if and I think that's why I felt so compelled to tell his story because not that I'm trying to like out him to people who knew him but it's just you could have perfect but he's like the
00:27:33| color of what your your father was you know you could yeah you're just different takes yeah we could easily be he could be his own series for sure and I mean he is it's insane I mean the
00:27:45| stuff his life and everything yeah many lifes in his life and he achieved all sorts of different really great successes and he you know went very far in a lot of ways but he was so charming
00:27:58| that anytime we tried to tell anybody about it even though when we would get people just miss Elise involved yeah he would the police would I end up getting mad at us thinking of my urges
00:28:09| misbehaving teenagers you have specific stories on that well let's see I have a I went I was at my friend's house playing in a band with my friend and he called me up and again back in the time
00:28:24| before cell phones where one phone is connected to my same line region yeah so somebody else can pick up on another phone in the house and hear who's on the phone
00:28:33| you know what I mean yeah yeah yeah so my buddy was on the phone and he was hearing this this stuff my dad was saying to me and you just like you told me he was gonna kill me you know he's
00:28:46| just getting into I mean verbal abuse you know just really nasty verbal abuse and so my my buddy was just so you know I wasn't I was like yeah this was my dad but he's like you have to call the cops
00:28:58| he threatened to kill you man I'm like a so we called the cops and the cops got there and I had to go home with my dad and I was reprimanded by the cop because I was just I was just a rebellious
00:29:10| teenager who went in my personal you didn't even call the cops your friend was like hey we should do this they're like yeah we don't have a lot of situations like that and then there were
00:29:20| situations as social workers coming to school and my older siblings would be afraid to say so we never had our story straight was trying to either protect both parents or one parent or one parent
00:29:36| yeah and that's I think that's what happens it's weird that happens so commonly and when I've looked into other people's stories - it's just for some reason when you are
00:29:47| abused you want to protect your abuser you guys are saying the home stock the stock control Michigan it's kind of like that I mean I know it's not but it's like that same brain mechanism and go
00:30:07| through it's almost like you shelter yourself in this bubble of what you believe reality is and then it takes like someone from outside the bubble to just like slowly crack away what actual
00:30:17| life is like mm-hmm yeah and it's just about it I mean your whole life is one thing someone's telling you it shit it's shit I mean you get used to shit you used to telling
00:30:28| you're not shit and then someone's like hey there's others like bathroom you're like whoa I'm just want to go out here so it's like no no this person's bad you're like I'm gonna pull you out
00:30:37| you're like oh I don't want to just get pulled out into the other shit it really means like uh-huh your idea of life is that there's shit out there and there's shit here there's
00:30:46| shit there it's shitty everywhere why would I go out there I'm just gonna restart my shitty mmm what's the thought process I would imagine what someone with home stock syndrome yeah with the
00:30:58| holy stocks and drink and and I just think it's all so yeah you just get especially if you're raised in it I think that's why the cycle of abuse they call it just goes on from one generation
00:31:08| to another and that's a something else you know in my story with the abuses that I just hated this man you know I just with a vengeance and I would write like I'll never be like him I'll never
00:31:19| be like him and then as I grew and got into relationships and things I found myself verbally abusing my girlfriends and I'm like off you know I just became what I hated you know and that was a
00:31:31| really hard thing to ask you not to get you don't forget to detail but like what do you mean like you be yelling at him like why are you doing this yeah well I mean that's the thing I wish I I wish
00:31:43| you know a word but like what just kind of like really demeaning you try I would go for ethic cut uh cutting but I would go for the things that I knew would hurt them them
00:31:59| so things that in intimate relationships you only share with your intimate partner that you get into with them you know you know it turn things around on them and make it seem like it like
00:32:10| they're doing something wrong or that they're responsible for my anger or our abilities yeah their vulnerabilities keeping them vulnerable in a way that I can like control them somehow yes and it
00:32:23| was it was just crazy to see how that naturally came up out of me yeah and then it brought up all these ideas of nature versus nurture you know like how about Josh Marsh oh yeah mmm that's I
00:32:38| like how deep you guys get within your banter yeah intelligent conversations you know but yeah it's just what comes first and I think it's a mix of both probably about so that's still still
00:32:50| this day I have to keep it in check and you know I have to take responsibility for the asshole that I am you know because you know mr. smiles is dead now Neil's dead now you know eventually my
00:33:02| mom will be dead then it's like Who am I gonna blame you can't blame it on your parents and you regardless of what my childhood now I am the way I am so entering into new relationships I can
00:33:14| tell people I don't have this anger problem sometimes and when it happens this is what I need you to do and it's almost like having another person in your relationship and if they're not
00:33:25| okay with me being that way then we're not gonna be together you know it's kind of it's wild and that's mature that's that's weirdly mature mmm like like I can know I have an anger problem but
00:33:38| it's harder for me to tell someone I have an anger problem and tell them what I'm doing psychologically by the way I had a rough this by the way I might do this yeah and you react this way and
00:33:51| then let me know how you react with this that's an open thing I mean for your sake that's really good yeah I mean like that's like being super open and I think yeah I think that's the only way or I
00:34:02| think that's the only way to recovering from it or being you just have to be an open book about it you have to be a really open-minded and honest and I think that's what
00:34:12| helped me with my path compared to my siblings as I went the drug route and I started experimenting with drugs at a very young age I get you out of your mind you know I think it's out right oh
00:34:25| yeah so yeah just the heavy drug we don't got to get crazy I yeah oh yeah we're like like smoke a little doobies oh yeah yeah well it started with the alcohol and then and then man when I
00:34:37| found out I literally was but for a teenager for a teenager alcohol is different you know what I mean yes right yeah and I remember but meeting marijuana for the first time was just
00:34:50| and I could dissociate from reality then all of a sudden my environment didn't have to be abusive it didn't have to be bad I could put Christmas lights up in my room and just be stoned and get in
00:35:01| the music and that's I think where a lot of we are today when I know this is like stupid Oh like a music wise I'm really sorry I was really into bullies really the beatles initially and then what's
00:35:14| weird is that's a throwback is that weird it's a throwback attracted to the past I'm sorry I keep it iced you had to keep it nice but like what else Beatles and then I was a you know really
00:35:37| blossoming in the 90s though I also suffer from what I like to call the Kurt Cobain complex that's cool I mean now it's not like I I think a lot of people they hit their 30s and they continue to
00:35:49| listen to music they listen to and they were a teenager you know I'm on to auditions now people do what do you we do now now I'm just everything but mostly instrumentals everything I told
00:36:00| you like yeah how you ended like a goblin corps really yeah I guess you're right that's kind of a cop-out it'd be better to say when I'm not you than what I am but so I guess what I'm really into
00:36:13| stuff that sounds like it's from a different planet or really weird cool I really like like Mogwai I know Mom Godspeed you black Emperor and all this yeah I kind of got to beat
00:36:25| you black Emperor may be not quite as hard as that I'm just yeah yeah yeah those that same kind of like prog rock a little bit also I just like yeah jazz and that's glass cool little bit I like
00:36:38| to put classical just to relax I think I pretend I like classical you know it's fine I think if you want and to like something enough I think you actually like it yeah how do you get there
00:36:51| there's no way if you let someone listen to classical for the first time and they didn't like music and then it no theory and they know anything to be like oh it's great like no one really likes it
00:37:02| yeah it's like a learn thing like that's like an intellectual thing that's like a multi-level thing yeah that's what's weird about it and also it's like almost like the D evolution of humans because
00:37:14| classical music was incredibly complex and now it's just four chords everywhere you know what I mean but think about this I mean the average how many people will sing in music back then it's 19 or
00:37:27| whatever though yeah like it was like four hundred people listen to music you literally knew all the people listen to music I mean there were music majors yeah now it's like four billion people
00:37:37| listen see all of them are skateboarders come or their emo some of them are this like it's like you got to just commonplace pronounce something easy for you to listen yeah you got to make it
00:37:46| easy and you know before was it wasn't for they cuke eating that cucumber sandwiches you know at parties and it was it was for the kings you know it was for their yeah but those guys were on
00:37:59| their shit I mean they were making music for years that's generations of like secret stuff Dora learned a lifetime of gone like mix and match let's do some old stuff like that stuff's complex shit
00:38:14| hmm nowadays it's like yo I'm 14 and wasn't something give me something good yeah yeah give me something papi I don't hate it it's just it's what it is it's hell yeah it is what it is that's it you
00:38:27| know yeah I had to I had so much hatred I had to get through over the years to for music for certain sniper yeah yeah and that's when I say the Kurt Cobain complex what I'm talking about is
00:38:39| this fallacy almost that creative people have they feel like it's a rite of passage to suffer in order to create good artwork and you know and then he had Bradley Knoll you definitely have
00:38:55| the Kurt Cobain complex where he felt like he had to get into heroin to understand yeah and he overdosed on heroin yeah no no if he he felt like it made
00:39:07| him a better musician yeah I was really I got really into some when I watched a documentary about him but you never know with YouTube Gawker right yeah no it was it was before the it was before the
00:39:20| youtubes yeah no problem yeah either way what we're getting at before so oh yeah very off track what we're getting at is there's the there's an element of evil complex like you said it's not it's an
00:39:38| element there you go yeah this is what the culture thing there's a formation of yourself that happens we had an episode on privacy and one of the things that surprised me is that if you don't have
00:39:47| privacy you can't develop yourself so by taking drugs maybe you're leaving the area that's like the environment that's distracting you from understanding yourself so by taking it out you can
00:39:58| kind of figure out what's going on even though it might be bad for you and then maybe make reasonable understandings to change your life create more creative moves yeah yeah and I guess that that is
00:40:12| where you get tied up in that that Kurt Cobain complex kind of thing or that I need to suffer to feel you know the best songs come from when you're suffering you know yeah that pain and because
00:40:24| there is something to that I think it's a generalization for a reason you know there's something really mellon about melancholy about the beauty of pain and the painful stories that we experience
00:40:36| you don't get that many songs about melancholy or like grunge nowadays it's weird yeah nowadays you don't you don't I mean you get a lot of tourists love songs you know breakup songs
00:40:47| you know it'll come full circle guys it'll be another day he's not like a black hole son or something like that hundred said sure yeah yeah off-kilter so I did remember what I wrote in my not
00:41:00| notes I didn't raw okay I remember so this is like it's like a change direction a little bit but it might tie in okay that's good that's good one weird thing that keeps coming up in the
00:41:12| story Marie comes up in a lot of people's lives is religion ah we did a whole episode on religion she's a lesbian she's a lesbian homosexuality is the ultimate sin there
00:41:27| are some people were pretty awful about it they're like you are the scum of the earth you will live in the third tier or whatever the tier was I don't like yeah look he's Hell or something from yeah
00:41:39| reason well here's my ultimate question it seemed like religion wasn't for her like for Sandy I imagine the three of us talking right here religion isn't necessarily our thing for her it kept
00:41:53| seeming like she kept coming back to it almost a necessity well yeah like she wanted it even if it didn't work for her she got married for that reason she had kids for that reason she stayed with mr.
00:42:06| smiley for that reason and then at the end she found her her ultimate love of her life girlfriend who was a minister and I was like stay away from religion but what's wrong with you you want a
00:42:20| shaker you know stop anyone I always think is there's a there's a weird balance between what people think religion will do for them when it can be for them and what it is for them and
00:42:34| religions it's like a tipping point um it's all use religion to give you hope um channel your energies and like use it as a sweetness and a repent but in some
00:42:47| people who use it to be a real dickhead some people use it to control other people power yeah and I don't know where she fell in man I was like wow she kept coming back to religion even though it
00:42:59| told her to go away almost yeah and that's you know and that's something that just blows my mind - I was trying to get to the bottom of that in the podcast and as I've been
00:43:09| promoting on on Twitter and and reaching out there's whole communities of almost sexual people that are still Mormon and they're yeah they caught they call themselves like the latter days instead
00:43:23| of the Latter day Saints and I've I've been messaging back and forth to the with a few people asking like why don't you just go there's a lot of New Age religions that are totally cool with
00:43:35| because if they're still in that religion and the religion softening to the idea of being gay they they still can't have sex with the man and they still can't marry man or if the or a
00:43:48| woman and marry it works right so what's the point I mean you know they're beholden to their religion there's like a form of compliance there where they feel comfortable what they know used a
00:43:59| big word bringing up the compliance yes I wanted to know more about this word complain so there was there's an element of the story where like there's a moment where your mom actually decided to leave
00:44:09| and then this ties in with like you not be able to call her because your dad was like in the house so she would tell you to call an 800 number which was really intelligent by your mom's point of view
00:44:22| like as she got away from your father it seemed like she became more intelligent like she picked a job that paid really well that was easy to get into it actually became like a massage the first
00:44:32| one was Domino's free pizza yeah Domino's but that was still cut over there for the whole yeah so once she was able to boilers get away from the environment and look at it like
00:44:44| third-person you're able to like analyze things and determine that maybe like the best choices in life are the ones that you make and not the ones that are given to you and really seem like your mom
00:44:55| understood that the moment she stepped away from the situation mm-hmm I think so and then I think she briefly discusses how she kind of needed it needed it back
00:45:07| again so she attracted it now in lesbian relationships and it took her many lesbian relationships that she went through she met Neil and women's Hilo they yeah she met a female you know and
00:45:22| it's weird it's almost like the after a certain amount of I don't know if it's post-traumatic stress or I don't know what that with anything about that either it would have been interesting to
00:45:34| have a psychologist in on this or on this podcast to know and now we take a break for doctor whatever you know and again yeah yeah but yeah it's just it's mind-blowing what and I think that's
00:45:48| part of human nature just over it kind of indoctrinated into a certain way of thinking and you accept doctrine it is a great word yeah and I think it's not just Mormons as everyone I think also
00:46:00| you everybody can relate to that feeling of wanting to be a certain way over and over constantly you you don't want to be the version of yourself that you are you want to be something better but you just
00:46:11| you can never achieve it you know you can never get there like I'm gonna quit smoking or I'm gonna I swear I'm gonna this I'm gonna lose this weight this year I'm gonna you know
00:46:21| that's the basic stuff that most people can relate to but in the extreme cases it's I'm gonna get out of this abusive marriage and it just never happened no real quick we like to do inside every
00:46:34| episode for supplier Oh d-series it's it's a Japanese blade you can live off is the gh1 six 308 it folded Japanese steel what I've noticed is my penguin at home I use that to cut things listen of
00:46:54| eyes of ladies to cut things right ordinary butter anyway let's light it right through that paper okay it doesn't just stop and this thing will help you with your money problems
00:47:14| [Applause] just trust me it did I'm worried about your hand don't worry it's not just any bleed I know how to hand let's check the guide your ex-wife's
00:47:30| Jeep Grand Cherokee cut throw it like flutter boom last thing I'm telling you folks is that this thing cuts through anything you're all at homes and it can probably cut
00:47:44| through some things but not anything let's say as smooth as man's material put in the coupon code WR e ck t reckt you will get 18 percent off thanks Leon panders anyway it's the misaki d series
00:48:07| blade it's the gh 1 6 308 check it out put in the coupon code we get full credit we'll get a cut actor whoever the cut we got a cut we get a cut slice dice if
00:48:19| you got problems in your relationships you have issues in your life cut the cord is the thing it'll fix everything mmm miss buy it you'll be good for life okay you're good thanks coming back if
00:48:33| you wanted to cut out relationships in your life yes was that made up Leslie was that a real knife Doug it's a really cute made wood practicing for when we get sponsors oh okay I see you're saying
00:48:55| yeah I thought it was legit I really did answers the one thing I was a little concerned by was how specific you were with the Jeep Grand Cherokee sister's car I just it was the first person I
00:49:15| thought of what no it has a certain character I saw your ex but now that you said it's your sister's I'm not gonna say I don't like your ex-wife I'm sure good sir she could still be my
00:49:30| ex-girlfriend of eight years also dating women oh oh hmm that's an interesting thing you know so thank you wait let's get into that like she's a lesbian right
00:49:43| yeah yes whole story she marries a man she dates men and it doesn't work out hmm if she had dated a or married a nicer guy do you think like she would never
00:49:59| know - she would know she was a lesbian but do you think it would have just yeah if he wasn't married yeah I think I think there was even a line just single line where she says if he was nice
00:50:13| right I would have stayed married to him hmm and maybe even because she did find a way to love him in ways you know obviously to be able to have children with him there was there had to be have
00:50:24| been some level of love there even if it was the love you have for somebody who's torturing you it still of love and I think but if it was a nice and there are there's so many kind gentle nice Mormon
00:50:35| men out there I mean probably the majority of them are nice you know where they have partnerships yeah 50 percent you know I mean because and that's just humanity that's not just most people are
00:50:46| just assholes you know but they yeah I think she would have stayed with him and would have been fine you know I'm always missing that piece of her heart you know I know you sense him as a kid wouldn't I
00:50:59| mean I don't know what at what point you figured out that your mom was a lesbian she said she said young are you talking about when he figured out yeah I'm corny or her your perspective yeah with yeah
00:51:11| from my perspective I never really sensed it yeah that's not like but I did since there was there was just no intimacy between her father which I thought was really strange but I thought
00:51:23| that's just cuz he was a prick you know but um the what was fun is when she did come out we had a lot of fun uh you know and she lived in Calphalon jalisa in Hollywood so we'd go sit on Melrose and
00:51:36| check out the hot chicks that should be like Chiba I go she's a little old for you I'm like she's a little young for you mom nice yeah so it was kind of fun to to break those boundaries and then
00:51:49| that was strange too that made me to ally because you sort of base your sex about the ink of what your parents teach you you know don't tell hmm a little bit of a delay here I don't
00:52:05| know this is an interruption or not see they come back there we are nice long delay okay long delay there I I thought that I would just keep talking but as I thought the delay it just got awkward I
00:52:40| felt like I was talking to myself you know really I did that moment yeah for a minute I wondered if any of this was even real you know and then I got really confused
00:52:52| mm-hm the LSD kicked back in again oh yeah I never finished that there was lots of drugs with marijuana LSD eventually I had to go to rehab for crystal meth I mean geez you know just
00:53:04| yeah yeah sandy and the love of her life had to put me in rehab it was a rehab in South Central they called The Last House on the block how do you I'm curious too I've never been addicted any of that mmm
00:53:20| how do you do rehab we've literally put you in a house they don't like leave and it's like a week-long and then the first three days or shit or something I don't know yeah so if I see that's the thing I
00:53:33| thought it was gonna be like a hospital type situation you know I'm from Utah initially no it was a house in south-central and there was the only bed they could find me and it was just
00:53:44| usually have to go to a detox place first because they don't want you coming off the hard stuff yeah and then in front of the patients but in my case they just let me sleep there for a few
00:53:54| days which they normally don't do and he it was supposed to be like three to six months but I checked out early after a month and I haven't used the Krista mess since then that was very early in my
00:54:05| that was my early 20s oh I would never I mean it was just a strange phase and it's just incredibly addictive that drug you know sohal you give us like a hint at the
00:54:14| positives and the negatives of it well the positives of it are for four days I don't know yeah I mean for me the positives were the literary aspect of it I at that point fancied myself a writer
00:54:28| and you keep writing you can rewrite I just I'd hop on the I'd hop on the bus in the metro and yeah yeah you just scribble in my notebook and there's a hunter's Thompson it's kind of like yeah
00:54:42| it's kind of yeah kind of like the beat thing I was antsy myself yeah unrest Thompson for sure you know I was watching Naked Lunch too at that period of time I'm sure but they and so the and
00:54:58| then the other thing is I really sleep deprivation is a really fun high as especially when you get beyond the three four day mark how he's home he's not tired you stay awake probably three or
00:55:11| four days and it was only a month and a half that I was on this stuff and what's like a new Bradish what's like a crash like after you've been awake for four days it's like a four day crash yeah
00:55:21| it's like a 48 hour crash something like that probably it's weird though because you can really disoriented like the moment you wake up you just like you have no idea where a week was yeah it's
00:55:33| kind of like you expend you expend a lot more of your energy you expend a lot more of your juice and then it catches up with you and you pay back for it like super fast-moving brain that can your
00:55:51| your erudition and your vocabulary is just heightened like crazy you know and then all of a sudden you're just uh dum-dum was just in a hole yeah you don't even know anything yeah yeah yeah
00:56:09| so that's something for me and I think looking back at all that drug the struggles I had with drugs was what allowed me to be so open minded some of those things we were talking
00:56:20| about earlier and just that yeah you have to kind of come to terms with so many different things when you're trying to stop being addicted to something you know you have to find out where all
00:56:32| that's coming from and you know so I was just rehabs and the 12-step programs and all that you know and so you can drink anymore you I don't know no I can't do the drinking anymore either because no
00:56:46| it's fine I get offered it all the time and in my field you know and I say no thanks you know that's it and all right I'll drink you know mm-hmm but the it's not really that big of a
00:56:55| deal anymore it's been a couple of years now since I've had a drink but it's because there's a difference you know it's like imagine Will Ferrel an old school you know once it hits the lips
00:57:05| and we're doing Street yeah there are some people that there's some people that just have that deep disposition to it that and and for me it doesn't take very long I just immediately hit rock
00:57:17| bottom with that stuff so go hard be a real hard yeah yeah I find that sometimes to indulge is great but sometimes just stop it's like yeah yeah yeah I mean you're casually having a
00:57:35| drink I would have had like 12 by now probably maybe eight Gayle's on the scale would have got me yeah yeah I mean eight minimum eight you have to have at least eight I mean twelve sounds reason
00:57:46| for do yeah fifteen sure but so now I do the Khumbu tune and all that what's it can you show us which believer it was oh it's coffee coffee with the cane a zombie - don't I've never had that
00:58:00| flavor so it's really good is it yeah this is the Beverly Hills brand GTS camuto weird that's in the good stuff on panders discount code and you at 5% yeah if you type in you poopoo
00:58:24| part boo part Jesus is the to sum up the episode is yes we're drawing to an end and we're getting scattered all sorts of scattered I didn't know you're gonna get into drug
00:58:40| addiction and all that I'm sorry that happens on natural progression here it's a natural progression here guys hmm I was gonna try and do the copy everything Dan says iced I know but he
00:58:53| stopped I'm a receiver no no do the quick recap I figure that's where Nick was going no I was gonna end one more discussion more more okay we'll keep it quick what a concise one more I'm
00:59:11| curious like when your first option of being like out of the house away from all the all the all the crap that you thought was normal life you're gonna Nick is saying they all right now
00:59:21| no but there's a moment so hey for me there's a moment when I went to college and I got away from my parents and like you realize like how sheltered you are you see all these different people you
00:59:30| realize that life is a lot different than what you expected and there's so many options for being happier or even a little assetid or being anything different you know it's it's so hard you
00:59:43| know that the shadows and the reflections on the wall of your cave you're in is all you really know you know and so but you know so for me the first time was when I was 17 I got in a
01:00:02| huge fight with my dad and I ripped the toupee off of his head and he's a big old fat he was a big ol fatty with the toupee you know and he hated fat people they just hated happy even though he was
01:00:22| even though he was fat mmm huh but anyway so we got a huge fry and ripping the to pay off his head is what kept gave me because his adrenaline I beat the hell out of them and then he
01:00:34| was chasing me but when he got outside he realized his hair wasn't on so I was able to get away and he stopped he couldn't be like seeing in public without a toupee yeah
01:00:43| yeah he couldn't be seen in public so I got away to a friend's house and I had $600 in a bank account and I got on a Greyhound bus and he never went back la yeah we didn't go back to Utah for a
01:00:57| long time after that and when I did go back to Utah I had I was an adult you know and had could could enjoy it again Ellie can be a lot like seeing him again
01:01:07| what was that like I was it was just weird it was just a lot of dissociation and like compartmentalization you know just kind of it felt remove oh yeah you just you don't talk about it we never
01:01:24| talked about any of it he almost after he would go on one of his psychotic breakdowns the next day was like it didn't happen was really strange I almost thought it was just my identity
01:01:39| is sort of peripheral yeah so that was so cool to get off this greyhound bus in downtown LA and you know in Utah especially at the time there was like one black person that lived here you
01:01:52| know it's it's grown in diversity substantially since then but so as this little suburban green go from from Utah was just like whoa and it was just amazing you know and there's almost just
01:02:07| like this collective consciousness to the city to you just you can't help but just feel it in there in your blood you know and so that was cool because at that point it was like anything's
01:02:18| possible you know all possibilities of life can you can just become anything you want to become and it was just pure freedom you know and your mommy was as they're angels for me so zero and I'll
01:02:31| end it here what do you wish for your kid like what do you want her or him future I'm giving you future kids okay yeah you're giving kids there you go yeah months
01:02:49| things are you feeling Randy but like what do you want for them so that's something that I this the whole process of the show's made me think about a lot it's like man and I don't want any
01:03:07| specific things I don't think like I don't care who they want to have sex with I don't care where they go to college or what they want to do for a profession all I would really hope to do
01:03:18| as a parents I think is to provide them coping mechanisms of how to deal with failure you know and how to pick themselves up and how to deal with heartbreak and and how and teach them to
01:03:32| love themselves you know what I mean if I can impart that on them that they're special and that they are all they need you know and give them that power to go through life then then they're ahead of
01:03:42| the game you know and they'll be able to do whatever they want yeah that's really nice message do you do you want them to hear the story of you you know honestly like we do this a
01:03:59| lot cuz we've done 100 episodes and there's things that maybe I wanted episodes and I'm like I don't know if I want to share this within because a sexual episode yeah like do you feel
01:04:10| like if your kid sees this it's like weird are you like no I don't I don't think so because I don't know maybe I think so though right it's weird but it's not bad it's not I mean it's just
01:04:26| weird it's just kind of like you know but at the same time eventually I think that's that's the relationship it's weird to and that's something that my mom and I have which is you know she can
01:04:37| easily talk to me about how my dad would only want to have sex with her right after hysterectomy you know that was the most effed up are wait yeah and they're mine I don't wanna in the episode okay
01:04:52| rewind because I had the whole time I was watching an episode mostly I was like what's with the music I was like is this royalty-free sounds friend or yeah it was Stefan ogre Oni
01:05:05| yeah I noticed individual songs we played at certain times and like the mood it was a bass heavy power yeah oh shit yeah there was a lot of thematic material mr. smiles
01:05:23| has had his own theme in there and one one review when iTunes is like what the effing sound on the thing it's distracting people I know I'm just like I'm not gonna read the reviews you know
01:05:41| I'm like that's that's what was the process for that he he's recording his own stuff yeah so it was it was kind of a process of and something I sort of picked up with some work that I was
01:05:56| doing on editing film which I really like to edit film after the composer has worked on it for a while so you sort of make the cuts to the music so we sort of did a lot of back-and-forth so it was
01:06:11| like this is the basic chunk of what episode one's gonna be why don't you have it for a little while but don't stick to it just and then throw me back some of your files so it was like a
01:06:20| little bit of us working together making something really nice happen yeah yeah but I just love in with these by the way he's just this crazy musician out here one of the best ears yeah a friend of
01:06:32| mine really yeah very close friend huh yeah yeah he's trying he's been he's trying to work find more avenues to make money as a composer and his a musician he's been kind of playing him playing in
01:06:44| bands and now he's like shit I'm getting ready honey some of this stuff was awesome totally alright so it was awesome yeah I never said it was bad for a nine Episode series that was pretty
01:06:57| good mm-hmm yeah Stefano got our own e we're Americans here oh yeah yeah so that's that Stefan ogre oh nice oh it's GA ro I and Stefano as ste f ano so you could
01:07:20| do yeah at Stefan agar Oni and find him on Twitter I think I need some some pretty sweet tracks actually pretty good they were useful I know they're useful you'll be even when it's frickin
01:07:30| baseline when you talk about yeah I was really a that was in like a Neapolitan key signature I heard that song and I know I like the added the cool sense to the evil you know which was interesting
01:08:04| ear bass player so yeah just this bass player I only they split something okay so that's where you keep for for you keep for for you kind of this snare and then two of the four we're good yeah
01:08:19| there you go yeah ask me do more now we're out regardless I thought the music was great the production was great what you did was great talking thank you
01:08:31| mother was actually pretty great mmm he had a good impact your it and then a difference by the unpaid yeah time man this is this is fun thank you thank you I need a standard here something nods an
01:08:52| idea coupon code wrecked or hard poo drinking some kombucha yeah rock rock shit yeah anyway to sum it all up your mother had great life
01:09:12| awful life do you have to experience the worst to feel a bit uh yeah mmmm made a great story we can check your socials here or here dancers the yeah story of Sandra's in the video
01:09:30| yeah we're talking Steve in the Sun on our show do you have anything real quick task that's before we roll out I mean we cover a stuff yeah we did we covered all sorts of stuff no no nothing really I
01:09:44| sounds like you have a big backlog of episodes or you get anxious do you all right yeah both together that's that's what I was hoping okay and does not know it but we're
01:09:58| gonna get into it yeah that's why we're sitting so close to each other about about you know I've often been thought of as ambiguous and I am I in my younger days I was flamboyant see it by a
01:10:15| microphone yeah and even the glasses but see the glasses are more gaze you wanted less gay now yeah right but no I wouldn't be opposed to it I used to tell people I'm just waiting to meet the
01:10:33| right guy here haha I'm standing up for my phase tell your wife she's a hell yeah it's not gonna go real well yeah it's weird you know this whole thing works together it's weird how it all
01:10:54| ties back to this oh it's weird though looks like we all are part of an unplanned or is episode and yet here we are uh-huh we're live we're here we're
01:11:07| beyond panderers on a podcast II Steve mmm yeah is it coincidence maybe are we okay maybe baby not maybe everybody's a little gay just tiny personal
01:11:21| experiences yeah that's all you know you're a little gay come on everyone listeners I'm a little gay [Laughter] thanks Carrie the Communist the mic and
01:11:33| just admit it it's fine thanks folks for listening yeah we like thanks for having me guys you've been really fun it was like you were having a lot expert in folks all
01:11:49| right now story of Sandra check out on panders throw money at just the on panderers not sorry interrupt that's fine provide the ginseng blade no saw you the only one he has from a listen
01:12:04| Doug I love you folks I like you friggin love yeah thanks for watching and listening
UnP Website
|
PredPod Website
|
UnP Episodes
|
PredPod Episodes
|
Subscribe via Email
|
Subscribe via Android
|
Subscribe to RSS Feed
TikTok | Twitch | Twitter | Tumblr | Reddit | YouTube | RadioPublic | Blubrry | PlayerFM | Stitcher | TuneIn | Apple Podcasts
Subscribe to RSS FeedTikTok | Twitch | Twitter | Tumblr | Reddit | YouTube | RadioPublic | Blubrry | PlayerFM | Stitcher | TuneIn | Apple Podcasts
No comments:
Post a Comment